What the Hell Is Wrong With Me?

I ate a salad for lunch today that had these awesome little mozzarella cheese balls in it and they are so yummy and good. Except for the fact that EVERY TIME I eat fresh mozzarella, I head straight for the john!! I can't stop though. Mozzarella, especially fresh, is so tempting, so delicious, so fantabulous. Same with sweets. I spent thousands of dollars on my teeth a few years ago to get repaired from all the candy and sweets I eat, so that alone would make me stop, right? Not a chance. Not only does the sugar rot my teeth, but it also hurts my stomach in pretty large doses. And I do it to myslf all the time!! I swear, ice cream? I might as well unwrap a Haagen Daaz, take a nice big whiff and dump it straight into the toilet. 'Cause that's where it will be in exactly twenty minutes. Yes, I even know the exact time for my stomach to process it and then punish me for about an hour...and my stomach is MERCILESS!! However, I don't know which one is more evil: my brain for wanting to eat sweets knowing it will hurt me or my stomach which not only has to tell me that the sweets are no good, but has to kick my ass about it. Why oh WHY do I torture myself? One day my body is going to do something very bad to my brain and then my brain is going to fuck it all up. Bad brain!! You bad, bad brain!!

Fuck ExxonMobil

I just got this clip today from ABCNews.com Read:

WASHINGTON, Oct. 27, 2006 — ExxonMobil should stop funding groups that have spread the idea that global warming is a myth and that try to influence policymakers to adopt that view, two senators said today in a letter to the oil company.
In their letter to ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Rex Tillerson, Sens. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine, and Jay Rockefeller, D-W.Va., appealed to Exxon's sense of corporate responsibility, asking the company to "come clean about its past denial activities."
The two senators called on ExxonMobil to "end any further financial assistance" to groups "whose public advocacy has contributed to the small but unfortunately effective climate change denial myth."
Phone calls to ExxonMobil were not immediately returned to ABC News.
An upcoming study from the Union of Concerned Scientists reported that ExxonMobil funded 29 climate change denial groups in 2004 alone. Since 1990, the report said, the company has spent more than $19 million funding groups that promote their views through publications and Web sites that are not peer reviewed by the scientific community.

Do you believe these assholes?!?! (B complex...fading....) I mean, do you REALLY believe that they are trying to propogate the idea that global warming is a MYTH? Have they NOT been to New Orleans? I guess the rising ocean levels are just a figment of our imaginations? The fucking AUDACITY of these greedy, dickless, old, Republican goat-fuckers!! Oh my GOD. I have a car, I am NOT filling up with their damn gas, and I hope to god no one that reads this does either. Please spread the word.

After the Halloween Party Friday

I went to the office Halloween party this past Friday and it was pretty cool. Lots of candy, open bar, no food... Yeah, I got blasted. Nothing embarrassing at the work party, but I had to go visit a friend who was performing that night at another bar so my boyfriend and I get there in costume. No one else was dressed up, and when we walked into the place, you could almost hear every head in the place turn, look at us two strangers, drunk and in costume, and squint their eyes in displeasure. But we didn't care. My boyfriend told me later that I knocked my sword over onto this guy who gave me a dirty look. But the best part is when we got home (I "time traveled" from the bar to my hallway at home), we were in the hallway at like three or four in the morning, laughing and stumbling and I'm beating the crap out of him with my sword!! My neighbors probably heard laughing, slaps and "OWWWWWWW!!" for like twenty minutes in the hallway. All our stuff was spread out on the floor and I'm pulling a ninja attack and we are cracking up the whole time. I think my neighbors think we're crazy. All we do is laugh really loud or fight really loud (probably even hear us get down every now and then). I think we're the crazy neighbors that they tell their kids to stay away from. I feel bad. Oh wait, no I don't. I HAVE a life.....

I've Taken My B Complex, and All Is Good

So I had a bunch of calls to make at work today - was busier than I had been in the past two weeks or so. AND I'm much calmer than I was last week. The shock of the car break-in is over and the landlord got the refrigerator fixed. Not only that, but I took this monster B-100 vitamin last night, saw the Movie Hairspray on AMC (one of my favortie movies ever), and went to a nice high-end salon in Williamsburg here in Brooklyn and got myself some French lotion, shampoo and face moisturizer. That helps to calm stress too. Ok, so I'm getting a little girly right now, so what? Oh yeah, plus my boss is out today. Great right? Not really. She's a nice boss, cool actually. A lot better than a lot of other bosses I've had in the past. God, there were some that I psychically willed to double over in pain. I had one boss once that used to listen in on my phone calls (especially with guys) and would wait for me outside of the bathroom when I went. He was atrociuos. I ended up quitting on the spot one day and throwing the towel in his face...literally. It was when I worked in a bar years ago and I had a towel tucked into the side of my pants which I threw into his face as I told him I quit!! I had another boss who was hyper and weird and really greasy and the really weird thing was that his business partners used to totally cut him up behind his back all day long. It was unnerving and a little bizarre. They used to rip on him so bad that I felt sorry for him, even though he really was as bad as they said he was. And I hated his feet. Ugh!! You ever know someone that could wear any kind of shoes but you could still see their arches and bunyons through the shoes? I couldn't take it. I've also had about three bosses I've slept with. I tell you, it's NEVER a good idea to sleep with your boss (unless they're hot of course, then it's a slightly better idea). However, I'm too old and too taken to be worrying about that anymore. God it sucks getting old sometimes....

A Moment of Serenity

Thank God It's Friday...Sort Of

I feel so weird. I have two posts up now in the same week that express disparaging anger that I otherwise haven't experienced in a long time. I guess when it rains it pours. But at least I get to dress in costume tonight and get drunk at the open bar at the office Halloween party. And I just got the sword I needed for my costume tonight. It's kind of a dope reproduction of a Tibetan type of sword. It's pretty light so I can play around with it. I can pretend to run it through the carcass of the car thief or behead the landlord. Maybe I'll hang some pictures of key political Congress members and chop them up!! The pictures I mean, really. Anyway, I'm going to be completely broke, being that I have to fix the window the car thief broke, and then pay some bills and stuff. God, when will a paycheck ever be MINE?!?! How's that for "Freedom" America? Free to keep your whole paycheck, just for you!! How about NOT having the premium for my car insurance go up because some motherfucker broke into MY car. I have been giving Geico my money for years now and they can't pay for a fucking WINDOW?!?! So what's the point of the insurance? Someone please explain it to me because I'm obviously taking crazy pills. It seems to me that insurance is the biggest scam going and the government has made it ILLEGAL to drive on the road without insurance. FUCK YOU government people in the pockets of these rich, corrupt asshole giant mega-companies!! (God I'm cranky this week...but it needs to be said.) I mean, am I the only person that sees the parallel between our country today and Atlantis (rich, powerful country that eventually collapsed under the weight of it's own greed), ancient Egypt (ditto), ancient Greece (ditto), ancient Rome (triple ditto), ancient China (ditto) and I think ancient India, but I'd have to look that up. So of course nobody learns from the past, nor do they even probably care to even if they do acknowledge the past!! And that's really the legacy that mankind leaves for the future human beings - GREED. It's ingrained in our genes and we can't fight it. God damnit. When are people going to start saying NO to the evil that the empty promises of money entices with? When are people going to just say no to the ridiculous rules these companies tell us are the only choices we have? Oh my god, and why do we have to put up with the only political candidates that are put forth to us? Why should I have to choose between the lesser of two evils? Why can't I chose to have some OTHER guy put on the ballot? If the only two guys running are both evil then FUCK THEM, let's go out and find someone else. What is so fucking hard about that? We live in a democracy damnit and if the early Revolutionary Americans could kick the shit out of the encroaching British, why can't we, the common people rise up again and kick the shit out of corrupt cocksuckers that lie and tell us we have no other choice? BULLSHIT - this is America damnit!! I have all the choices I want!!

To the Godless Asshole That Broke Into My Car

Ok, you cock-sucking thunderprick, are you happy now? Good... I hope your balls fall off.

Hooker-ween

Can someone please tell me why Halloween has become the holiday that women have embraced as the one day of the year that they can dress like whores? It used to be so fun: you could be a superhero, a historical figure, and fictional character or animal. Or for those that I tip my hat to, they dress as metaphors, ideas or make something that is just so wonderfully creative, you stop them on the street and have to take a picture. But that ilk is dying. In fact it is a mass extinction. While men will still be somewhat creative or at the very (very) least, dress as a favorite athlete, women just dress like flaming streetwalkers. Now in that realm, some women get very creative in their lusty dress; in fact, I've seen some outfits where I almost let the meow out loud!! But c'mon ladies, let's show the men that we are more than just sexual objects. Why set back the sexual revolution by millenia? What are you accomplishing by bearing all your T&A? That's to be left for intimate moments. You are not titilating men by dressing like a harlot - you are not leaving ANYTHING left to be desired. You're thorwing it all out there and that's not sexy, that's not mysterious. What will you leave men to think about when they go home at night? Use the OTHER part of your brain that you use every single day to survive in this man's world. Don't play up to the sexual stereotypes. Don't give them any more reason to think they are the better sex. Don't give them any more reason to degrade us. Don't cheapen yourselves!! Because if your market yourself as a sexual object, at the end of the day, what do you have? A sore cootch and no SELF worth. We women are so much more than that. The wonderful things we could be are infinite if we set our minds to brilliance instead of booty.

The Future Behind Us

The time of the humanoid robot is here. Japan seems bent on producing robots that are dexterous and smart, then outdoing themselves and making them even better. This is an age where I look to the future with uncertainty and fear. Oh yes, I am just that paranoid chick that feels that the Terminator story is not just blow 'em up entertainment (and a real good excuse to show Arnold naked when we first glance him in the series - hellllOOOO). It is a true example of a science fiction story which foretells the bleaker side of rapidly advancing technology. Consider this: we are creating "artificial" intelligent beings at a pace that is totally unregulated and for what purpose? To finally deem ourselves gods? To show off to ourselves how smart we really are? We are potentially creating a race that could easliy wipe out our own and take over the earth. Some would argue that we deserve it. Others would argue that perhaps, sometime in the distant mists of the past, WE were "artificial" intelligence that were created by some forgotten race and we took over the earth. To that end, there are many myths around the globe that state just that premise. When we look so lovingly in the glowing eyes of our creations are we gazing into our own demise? I say yes!! Because as human beings, we cannot stop at just making fun little toys that can do calculations and cartwheels, all the while happy to bring drinks or slippers to us on the couch. We HAVE to take it to the ultimate level, ever working to prove how wonderful and omnipotent we are, forever trying to liken ourselves to God. Giving them our likeness, giving them super intelligence with (gasp!!) the capability to LEARN. We shall make them autonomous, with personalities. With personalities come social tags - good, or bad. Now, as we are struggling with trying to perfect ourselves, he were are making a world where we co-exist with beings that are the physical embodiment of our unrealised self-perfection. We are a race of beings that will NEVER be happy with ourselves, so we must artificially create something that is exactly what we want to be, thereby satisfying that urge within us to create perfection. Then the really crazy part, the whole Catch-22 is that the robots, made in our own likeness will be so perfect that they will realise our own imperfection and seek to eradicate us. Of course!! What perfect being would want imperfection in its mere presence? We are slowly committing suicide, by missionary robot... Sounds kind of like the right-wing Christian movement. Either one scares the shit out of me really...

My Brain is Staging a Revolt Against Me

Why do I always overdo it when it comes to drinking? "Drinking moderately". What a joke!! In a nation of people who learn to get wasted at college, moderate is never going to happen. And why oh WHY do I always forget to get those freakin' hangover preventer pills before I go drink? Why don't I even eat before I drink? I'm killing the last of my brain cells!! I swear I am. I can't remember shit when it comes to my short-term memory. Everything gets immediately committed to my long-term memory. So I can tell you in a couple of years what you just told me today. See you then!!

Commentary on the Landlord Poem

OK, I'm really a lover not a fighter and how my landlord acts has spawned such murderous rage inside me. My god, landlords in New York seem to think that they are above the law, that we are just objects that pay them money every month and we should be so thankful that we were allowed to live in their properties. BULLSHIT. I'm not trying to hate on all landlords nor am I trying to hate on someone trying to make money. I'm just pissed off at the ones that think they don't have to put much or any money into upkeeping the property. Hello landlords: it's a fucking INVESTMENT!! You have to spend money to make the property profitable. It's these little pissant real estate companies and landlords that piss me off. God, if you DON'T have the money to upkeep the property then DON'T rent it out. And the really sad thing is that the landlord/tenant court system is so corrupt in New York City, mostly siding with the landlords. That's just a reflection of how this whole country is: those with money get away with murder while those without money are the little pussy assholes that do the dirty work for the rich in hopes of getting a dollar here or there. Fuck that!! In fact, anybody who is some rich guys bitch needs to have their asses severely kicked. Hey, that rhymes. That would make a great T-shirt, don't you think?

Ode to My Landlord's Bloody, Bloody Murder

Oh how I wish to have the landlord strung up
by meat hooks in his/her back
and start to slowly torture him/her
as slowly as they have been torturing me
from October 1st to the following October 1st
increasing his/her pain by 2%
like my rent went up when I renewed the lease
I'd like to shove red hot pokers right up
his/her ass and stick it to him/her
like he/she has stuck it to me
Die landlord, die!!

Remember Kids.....

I've realised that I haven't written the funniest story ever in here yet!! Get this - my boyfriend is Mexican and he thinks that he can take eating jabanero peppers (like a Mexican who's actually grown up in Mexico) and buys this package of fresh jabaneros. I warn him profusely they are very hot, but being the man that he is, looks at me and says, "I'm a MexiCAN, not a MexiCAN'T!!" Okay. So this mofo cuts up a pepper and put it DIRECTLY on a sandwich he's made. (I know you can already see where this is going.) He bites into the sandwich and I can literally see his face go from white to firengine red. He lets out a scream and starts running around the house fanning his tongue, then grabs some water, downs it, it doesn't work, so then he grabs some ice and starts shoving it in his mouth. At this point, I hear him screaming through my laughter from the bathroom, "Go online and find out what to do to stop the burning!!" I told him that he has to drink milk. He runs back into the kitchen and kills the milk. After about a minute, he's finally calmed down. So I'm DYING laughing, and he's a little embarrassed and we're kind of both laughing about it. So of course, AGAIN, being the man that he is, he sticks his hand in his pants to adjust his balls. Now, he didn't realise that as he was cutting up the peppers, the juice had gotten on his fingers. So as I'm winding down laughing, he has this look on his face. It's this look like something very serious has occured to him, or like that deer-in-the-headlights kind of look. He screams even LOUDER, as his balls are on FIRE!! He tears around the apartment, screaming, I'm literally on my hands and knees crying laughing. He strips off all his clothes and jumps in the shower, trying to scrub the pepper juice off of him. I can't relate all the expletives that were coming out of the shower. Then he hops out saying that it's not working then grabs a cup of ice, puts it into a mug of water and he's squatted over the toilet bowl soaking his nuts in ice water. After I compose myself (my stomach HURTS from laughing so hard), I finally pull out my aloe vera and rub it on him. So remember kids: don't juggle your balls after cutting up jabanero peppers.

Guys' Answer to Chick-Flicks

I have noticed lately that there are guy-flicks springing up: sappy movies for guys. Not real tear jerkers like chick-flicks, but sappy enough for the guys' sensitive side. (However, I beg to differ about which kind of chick-flicks actually jerk tears, as I am not that girly.) But anyway, movies like Click, Bruce Almighty and even The Bourne Identity all appeal to the somewhat romantic side of guys - Bourne appealing more to the romance of kicking ass, but romantic nevertheless (he ends up with his girl at the end, on the run - sigh). A shift in the gender emotional climate or desperate yet still pathetically effective Holllywood marketing? Can anyone say "Metrosexual"? (I gotta go puke now.) But don't get me wrong, I'm not against men being a little sappy, but I am against pussy wimpy guys, and it seems that my sisters are changing men into something I'd not rather deal with: whiny guys who also wear nail polish. For god's sakes, Chick Liddel sported a pedicure on the reality show!! CHUCK LIDDEL!! I can't live in a world with romantic guys films and manicured man-hands; I just CAN'T do it.

The Infinite Cosmos of the Mind

I was watching a show on the Science Channel today about the genius of Galileo, Newton, Einstein and Hawking. Pretty interesting stuff - it got me thinking. Boy do I wish I were that smart!! I would totally LOVE to be a cosmologist and be remembered for breakthrough principals in physics. I'd like to continue on the work of Einstein and/or Hawking, or even disprove it and come up with some other totally new concept in quantum physics. I wish I were that smart...

The World is Going Crazy

So what's up with my girl (who shall remain nameless) now, who's been married for ten years, starting to talk about not being married?! She got married in her early, early twenties, perhaps that has something to do with it. It kind of sucks that she's now regretting (?) her marriage. I think that she's probably a little antsy, curious if you will, about what she's still got and who she can still get it with!! I have always been averse to getting married young - it's almost always a parent's idea to marry in your early twenties. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true love. There are people who have met young and got together young who stay together for a long, long time, if not their whole lives. But GOD!! Think of all the ASS you miss out on when you're tied down. God, I look back and I was HOT when I was in my early twenties (and still smokin' now, you better ask somebody) and I got SO MUCH BOOTY!!! (I do live in New York City - there's much booty to be had.) OH lord, just reminiscing right now... Oh yeah, I was talking about marriage (gotta stay focused, not think of the gorgeous hunks of man-flesh I've had). Anyway, I would never tell my future kids, or pressure my future kids into an early marriage. I want them to have all the lovers they want. Hell, if they NEVER get married, that's fine with me. If I never get married, I'm cool with that, especially considering that I never thought I ever would!! I had the perfect plan in high school: I'd graduate, travel the world and write, and have lovers in every country I visited. Man, youthful dreams... I am writing, traveling not as much as I'd like, and not really setting up international booty calls. I'm nowhere near that dream!! But I can pass it on to the next generation. God if everyone had my dream, the world wouldn't be in the fucking MESS it's in right now. We all need to smoke some pot and get down.... (Is it hot in here?)

What an Idiot!!

This is so hilarious, I had to put it here... This is from a website I found called dumbassdaily.com:

Pot-Smoking Student Jumps Out Window to Avoid Police Maybe those videos from the 1970s were right...

Everyone knows that it's fun to mess with your friends when they are smoking the wacky grass in the dorms. I mean, who hasn't pretended to be the police, right? Okay, at least one other person has. At Arizona State a student fell two stories after attempting to escape from his friends pretending to be police officers. What did the they have to hide? Well..smokin' a joint for one. When one of the students roommates knocked on the door pretending to be a police officer, the only logical thing to do is jump out of the window right? Ooo...except that he didn't have a clear shot at the ground and hit a covered entryway and then hit the ground. Don't worry though, he's OK!?!

Wine

What ever happened to the good old-fashioned wino? I mean, nowadays everyone (with a vice) seems to be a "head"--like a crack head or a meth head or anything like that. What about us winos? I like wine (red preferably) and I drink it a lot. Even in New York City's posh cocktail circle, those of us who like to drink are called alcoholics or lushes. Man!! And that's usually associated with the hard liquor drinkers. Maybe wine is in such an echelon that even to drink as much as one wants, there is still the air of snootiness. I even get weird looks with my wine glass in a bar and everyone else is throwing down shots and beers... And don't get me started on the different "kind" of drunks there are. Like the beer drunk: wet and sloppy, you slur and fight. Vodka drunk: Well, we all know about that. Ask your vodka drinking friends in jail or even do them a favor and cockblock that nasty hookup they seem to land at the end of the night. Whiskey drunk: Fight. And then puke. Rum drunk: Dance and make out. Tequila drunk: Now this is a little tricky. If you drink Cuervo, you are guaranteed your own version of that story that starts out, "I CAN'T drink tequila anymore because..." But if you drink a GOOD tequila, you dance and make out, like rum. Gin drunk: Crazy and destructive. Wine drunk: Merry, playful, tell good stories and then you fall asleep. What more could you ask for?