I Just Need To Close My Eyes For a Second

I have realised the value of a nap the older I get. Right now it's almost five in the afternoon and I can think of nothing but sleep. I have tried drinking coffee, eating sugary candy, a piece of chocolate cake - to no avail!! I just want to crawl under my desk like George Kostanza and sleep. Then I'd wake up and be three times as productive, instead of going home and passing out at 6 only to wake up at 11 and stay up for a few hours and then ruin my life for the next work day. And being that it's fall slash winter, FORGET about my even being able to get up before the last humanly possible second before it's official that I will arrive late to work. It's like I really AM a bear - I want to stay in my house wrapped up in a fur comforter, with wool socks, fleece pj's and even a fleece sleeping cap, be all wrapped up in my bed and barely watch the sun rise and set as I sleep my way back into spring. What is it about getting older that you want to sleep more? Is it a signal that your body is just damn tired and it's like "Fuck it, I'm going to bed."? Or is it with age you are slowly but surely shutting down, more and more frequently until the final dirt nap? Whatever the case may be, I LIKE to sleep and life keeps getting in the way!!

Oh How I Long For the Old Days....

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them"
John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards"
George W. Bush

Back From Outer Space

Oh so here I am, back from engorging myself this weekend, stuffed with turkey and disdain. Police Commissioner Kelly should be fired. He's a nazi, plain and simple. The three police officers that shot and killed the young man who was at his bachelor party and ran into their police cruiser should be tried for murder. I can't even believe they are on paid leave. Every drug company lobbyist shousld be strung up by their balls, fired from their jobs, lose their pensions, stripped of all assets, then try to get some medicine through Medicaid/Medicare. Perhaps then they may see the folly of their ways. Our troops need to make a stop over in Russia and find the fuckers who poisoned the formenr spy Alexander Litvenenko (who just died) and also who murdered the outspoken reporter Anna Politkovskaya this year. Those two are victims of terrorism too.

I found it hard to be thankful for much this year, the problems of the world weighing heavy on my mind. I can't turn a blind eye to these things, thankful for such shallow effects as electronics or clothes or a shopping spree. I wish the people of this rich country would put as much effort into helping others as they do coveting usless material items. How sad the sheep run into the store to buy a stupid PS3, while children in our OWN country ar being abused to death. Look how they smile for the camera in packed malls when people are dying of AIDS in Africa at an alarming rate. They stare at themselves in mirrors while the earth heats up, warmer and warmer...

The saddest thing I find is that people, especially children, are TAUGHT not to care about others. It is blatantly apparent in movies, television shows and commercials. "Get your own" is the most popular buzz phrase in advertising right now. I don't find it comical that kids even keep the rabbit from getting some Trix. That's what they see in the middle of their cartoons - keep someone else out of your group, out of your realm. Have someting that someone else covets.

Movies and magazines are always about rich folks that have all these nice shiny belongings and we are supposed to drool all over their possessions and dream about how we will get them. I find it all to be a distraction. A conspiracy to distract us from what's really going on - the fact that we are kept in the dark about pretty much everything but we are too mired in materialism and self-loathing to notice. Ironically, people don't like to be told what to do, but they are told on a constant basis how to live their lives by faceless organizations whose very purpose, whose very existence is to keep the wool pulled over our eyes. The conspiracy is real.

Words from your loveable conspiracy theorist. Happy Thanksgiving.

Michael Richards

So I am sure you have heard by now the racist tirade Michael Richards went on in his stand up act in Laugh Factory out in Hollywood. And it pains me to have to turn around a let a once beloved actor out of my heart, especially on the level that he took it to. It's even harder to listen to other people try to defend his actions, mistakenly associating him with his character on Seinfeld with the real man. I am even arguing with my boyfriend who says that he said those words to try to get at the hecklers. Really? Anyone who knows stand up comedy in the least knows that hecklers are a part of the package. That's comedy 101. How the person handles the hecklers is what makes or breaks him. And obviously Michael Richards let it break him. Not only did he handle his hecklers in such a disgusting manner, he let them heckle him into damning his future for doing ANYTHING else. That's a damn good heckler if you ask me. And even the media tries to downplay it by saying that he flew into a rage. Really? Just like drinking can turn you into an anti-Semite, right Mel? There was a woman here at work today that said these words that summed it up perfectly: What's in the well comes up with the bucket. And that is dead on. If you have actually seen the footage, you'd see that his answer to black hecklers is to hang them from a tree (i.e. lynch them) and stick a fork in their asses. What about his fellow Jewish hecklers? Should they be put in gas chambers? Or how about Chinese hecklers? Set on fire? Eastern Europeans impaled? Western Europeans tortured and left to die in towers? C'mon Michael, that is a bit excessive for a heckler isn't it? It really hurts me that the media is trying to play it down, like there is a viable excuse for one to spew racial epithets at anyone. On the flip side, I am very impressed with the way the man in the audience handled the situation. Yes, he cussed and yelled back, just as anyone in anger would, but he walked out and let Michael know it "was uncalled for". And I think the rest of the audience agreed. Michael could have sworn up and down at the guy for talking during his routine, but going straight for the racial angle is just pathetic nowadays, or at least in my opinion. For someone who is supposed to be quick witted and funny, or at least have a repertoire of comebacks, he went for the easiest way to get back at his heckler, rather than being more creative and insulting him in some other way. Goes to show how funny he really is. Which is not at all.

PS....

I've actually now had to double up on my B complex, to keep from FREAKING OUT over the bullshit... Anybody got any Xanex, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Morphine patch....

What the Hell is Wrong with Everyone Else?!?!

Did you hear that the FDA has now approved silicone breast implants? Are they fucking CRAZY? Do they NOT remember what happened when the silicone bags leaked on women in the past? Hello, Jenny Jones, get back on TV and start preachin'. Has it really come down to this? Women are now willing to toxify themselves so some idiot scumbag can ogle her breasts? All the while watching the interview of OJ I'm-a-bigger-jackass-than-Dick-Cheney Simpson, promoting his new book called "If I Did It", or some shit like that. IF, OJ? You should really call it "When I Did It". What does the Brown family have to say? Or have they lost their voices, gone hoarse from all the talking before? What the FUCK has happened to this country? I am almost (and I mean ALMOST) seeing why the conservative Christian movement has a leg to stand on. Goddamn. If only they would let gays live their lives and be pro-choice, I'd actually consider their argument. And then I heard the news today that some dude cracked his head OPEN during a bum rush to get the new PS3, which has so far gotten crappy reviews!! Far be it from me to say that the man deserved to bleed all over the place and get stitches in his head, but in some cosmic way, he almost deserved it. I can't believe that people are willing to camp out for days to get a game system instead of using that time to do something useful or productive. OUR KIDS CAN'T READ and we are a nation of lazy, silicone pumped, shallow, false idolatry worshipping fools. FOOLS!! I'm not religious at all but this same kind of shit was going on when the big flood came.....

Update - I just read on the web both OJ's book and interview are cancelled. But that's only after many of the FOX affiliates told Murdoch (the OTHER sociopath involved in this story) they would not air the interview. Ok, I admit when I'm wrong. Perhaps we are not as ridiculous as I think a lot of the time. There is still some sanity left around here.

Picture of Me

Quick Question

Why doesn't somebody smack the shit out of him?

What the Hell Is Wrong With Me? Part 2

I ordered sushi today for lunch, and for some goddamn reason, I can't eat it. I normally love sushi, but today it's all mental. Sometimes I just can't eat something if that crazy part of my mind starts thinking too much about what it is I'm actually eating. So of course today I'm thinking that I'm eating raw flesh. Except for the soft shell crab roll, which is fried in tempura (not a big fan) and rolled with those gross orange fish eggs. EGGS!! OH lord, why?!?! Why would I eat an unborn thing? Oh, Jesus, I have to stop. I'm grossing myself out. The food is sitting right next to me as I'm typing this and I'm about to chuck my innards out!! The crab is staring at me. Stop crab, stop looking at me!! No, I won't eat you!! (Yes, you will says hungry stomach.) The salmon is laughing at me....fucking salmon. Always mocking, never sensitive.

My Other World, My Other Life

I had this WICKED dream this morning which I must relay. I only remember being in this gorgeous kind of Victorian townhouse, which was very old and no one lived in it. I was with some people to investigate some paranormal activity we had heard was going on there. In fact, I think we were seeking out the ghost of the former female occupant. So as we were going through these awesome rooms (they were painted like a dark sea-foam green with black lace curtains on the windows and some black trim on doorways) trying to locate any evidence of a spirit. I remember being freaked out when we first started out, but as we got through most of the house, I realised there was no ghost. So what did I do? I decided to give the rest of the team a good scare and started moving the sliding doors with my MIND, opening and closing them. I was shaking the chandeliers and flapping the shutters. All with the sheer power of my psychokinetic ability. It was so dope!! I scared the crap out of the team. Now I must wonder, what the hell does that dream mean? I know one thing for sure: I'm more pranksterish than I thought!!
Now, this also brings me to my other dreams I have (I tend to remember about 85% of my dreams). As I have gotten older, I have been able to do all sorts of amazing things in my dreams, all getting increasingly stronger as time goes on. For instance, since I was a kid, I have never been able to be hurt in my dreams. I have always flown, but now I can fly on command, just lifting up into the sky without having to take a running start as I used to years ago. I can fly away from any situation I don't like. I have this lucidity in dreams that is incredible, even to myself. One time I was being chased by a foe and I was tired of running away so I got just far enough ahead of him to be able to turn around and say, "I am invisible. You cannot see me!!" and I waved my hand in the air. Lo, he came near me and stopped, looked perplexed and wondered where I went. And now, my newest thing is be able to move objects with my mind. It's like being all powerful to be able to change a dream the way you want to change it!! However, sometimes I still have nightmares that I can't get out of. For instance, I had a nightmare the other day about being in a bank I think it was, and a crazed gunman with a machine gun starts firing on innocent people, screaming about whatever it was that was bothering him. But the strange thing was, he really wanted to get to the people that were behind the bulletproof glass and after firing and firing on the glass to no avail, he would then turn the gun on innocent people and shoot and kill them. I was standing very near him in the dream and he actually fired the gun at me, but I fell to the ground and pretended to play dead so he would not shoot at me anymore. After a few more rounds (of which the bullets pierced and bounced off the floor around my head), he turned away from me and fired on more innocent people. It was very bizarre and scary and I was disappointed I could not change the dream. But I didn't get hurt at all, and I wanted to help the other people but didn't know how. I woke up freaked out. Somehow I have to learn to change every nightmare into something better. Perhaps then, when I'm in a real life situation, I'll have the mental skills and fortitude to make it better.
I think I'm going to post more interesting dreams I have. Looking at them written down, they read like science fiction!! Maybe I can dream up a few good short stories...

This Is How I Feel Today

The Return to Rock and Roll

So if you're like me and you're sick of the clowns posing as rock stars, then heed my words - rock is being reborn!! Two bands that I have come across recently that have made me believe in the thunderous gods of rock again are Wolfmother and The Raconteurs. Now, the Raconteurs has none other than Jack white from the White Stripes. I had no idea when he put the band together, and I hadn't heard anything about them (alas, I am out of the MTV demographic) until my boyfriend popped the CD into the car player and I was like, "Who is THIS?!" Thus one of the merciful gods of rock touched me right there on Atlantic Avenue. And of course a recovering pothead of my magnitude can't possibly remember how I came across Wolfmother. I think I had read about them and liked the name. And at the time I was starving for new music so I just hopped on iTunes and bought them. (Who buys CD's anymore...except my boyfriend...) It was like Led Zeppelin reincarnated - that soulful, very earthy rock sound and delicious lyrics that make you want to roll in mud for three days and trip on acid. So now I testify!! Rock is coming back!! Also, in case you were wondering what other gems of rock I tend to like, they are:

Interpol
The Bravery
Kasabian
Green Day (how could you NOT like these guys?)
Liz Phair
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Killers (also bringing rock back)
Jane's Addiction (I know, I know a little old for this list, but AWESOME)
The Stone Roses (also old, but freakin' GOOD)

We Don't Believe in Politics

This is taken from The Nation, written by Camila Domonoske, a Virginia HS student.

We don't believe in politics.

That's the biggest challenge facing American teenagers today--not war, poverty, debt, abortion or civil rights. It's the fact that we don't believe that the current political system can solve any of those problems. Most teenagers in America care deeply about the future of our country, but all the passion in the world will not help us unless we learn either to work within or to change the current power structure.

We are in many ways like every generation before us. We want jobs, security, a better world for our children someday, stability, justice and freedom. Our concerns mirror the concerns of the general population. However, unlike the older public, halfheartedly involved in democracy, we don't realize the purpose in any involvement at all--and this may destroy everything we wish for.

We don't trust our government. Citizens three times our age could agree that our current leaders hardly inspire faith, but they have long memories and have seen government work. Teenagers today can remember maybe a decade of politics, older youth maybe fifteen years, and most of what we remember are lies, scandals and war. At least Nixon was going to be impeached; we have seen little or no accountability, and few can blame us for our lack of faith.

We don't believe in the power of the ballot. Many of us still plan on voting, but we don't think it'll matter. I live in a red state. When I vote, it will be for the symbolic power of the action, not because I truly believe my voice will change anything. Other young people have simply given up on voting all together.

We aren't that partisan. There are powerful exceptions, and many students are passionately and absolutely supportive of a party. However, most of us either don't know what side we'd like to support or else have moderate and mixed perspectives. As the nation becomes politically more and more divided, and Republicans and Democrats more belligerently sectarian, teens grow less inclined to join fully a party they only partially support.

We don't count on protests to create justice. During the civil rights movement, vast protests represented the conscience of America and sparked change--or so history classes tell us. What great protests have today's teens seen? When hundreds of thousands march to protest war, America invades Iraq anyway. Massive marches for gay rights aim to create a change in social prejudices, and rejoice when the wording of an archaic law is changed. When we are told of vast, effective protests of the '60s, and then view the limited success of political demonstrations today, our disillusionment is hardly incomprehensible.

We don't expect journalists to solve anything. Despite popular opinion, studies show we do consume the media. It's just that nothing we see inspires us with confidence. Older generations saw Watergate; we saw mass media supporting the Administration's claim that Iraq had WMDs. We don't believe that a free press will create a just democracy, which might help explain why a third of us think the First Amendment goes too far.

We don't trust our current government, but we don't believe that our vote can change it. We don't full-heartedly support either political party, and so we are further alienated from today's factional political atmosphere. We don't believe that protests or the media can create change. In short, today's teens have given up on traditional ways to participate in politics.

What do we believe in? We believe in technology, that newer, cleaner machines will help save the environment. We believe in education, and that investing in college will help us find better-paying jobs--which we'll need because we sure don't place our trust in Social Security. We believe that, as we are less racist and sexist than our parents, so too our children will be less biased than we are. We believe the world will continue to get worse but that our lives will continue to get better. We believe, in an abstract way, in justice, peace and freedom, but we mostly fail to see our connection to those ideals. Teenagers today aren't "apathetic"--most of us just don't see the point of politics.

Every other issue facing our generation pales before this one, simply because so much depends on it. As a generation, we've given up on the ability of politics to create change. Our great challenge will be to either engage with the current political system, or to help transform it into one that we trust. Either way, something has to change; if teenagers can't figure out how to participate meaningfully in politics, we will have lost our voice, our impact and our power.

You said it all young lady. (SB)

That's IT!!

Ok, so once again I have gone out and over done it with the red wine, sitting at my computer trying not to PTFO (pass the fuck out) on my keyboard. My head is swearing to god that it hates me, then starts crying, asking me why I treat it like this, then got angry and has been throbbing in insurgency. But I made a promise to my boyfriend - NO MORE DRINKING. Or at least out. We like to have wine together at home. I mean it this time I swear (somehow I feel like this has happened before...). I really, really mean it!! I have to somehow start holding myself to this promise. I have to threaten myself, I have to punish myself, I have to tie myself to the radiator the next time I think I'm going out!! Perhaps when I'm not looking, I'll pour hot pepper into my wine so when I take a sip, I'll spit it out and be traumatized...like a puppy who keep chewing on a shoe. Maybe I have to kick my own ass. Or maybe when I'm not looking I'll slip grape juice into the wine bottle and watch myself get fake drunk and laugh at myself for being so stupid!! HA ha ha ha!!!

What About Mexico?

I was just thinking the other day that we are over in Iraq trying to put democracy in place and get them on their feet in terms of setting up a new government and having elections and all that good stuff. But what about Mexico? Remember our neighbors to the south? The people that are the most closely related to the US with their doing our work and all, raising our children, picking our fruit, remodeling our houses and teaching us Spanish!! And Mexico is in just a bad a position as Iraq politically (or at least I think so), with a corrupt government, gangs running the streets, people fighting, stealing and killing. Why have we forsaken them? What no OIL?!?! Is that it? Part of our culture is the way it is thanks to Mexico. What the hell has Mexico ever done to anyone else?.... but fight us once....and lose. Why can't we go into Mexico and help stabalise their country? Why do we sit here and turn our backs on our wonderful neighbors? I can't even imagine what they must think about us going halfway across the world to spew the garbage that we are fighting terrorism when right next door it is happening on a daily basis, and we act so holy and say we're helping people. What we're helping is GWB and his minions to the middle eastern oil. And fucking GWB's BROTHER is married to a Mexican woman!! That asshole can't send someone down to Mexico to at least ACT like they're trying to help them? I bet if Canada started getting buck wild, the US government would do something about it. And why aren't we putting a fence up between us and Canada anyway? We only want to keep the BROWN people out? This is really a question we need to ask ourselves: "What the HELL are we doing?"

Addendum

I just realised that I wrote that I would like for all people to try to love their fellow human brothers and sisters. And I mean that. I know I have been a little NOT PC about the politicians. Well, I meant all I said about them too!! Fuck them. If they are not genuinely good people, then we must weed out the "evildoers". (Back at ya W.) I have no sympathy nor compassion for greedy, corrupt liars. All good people need to put them on a spaceship and send them to another planet where they can fight each other all day long for whatever it is that would be valuable to them out there. Then the good, peaceable folks can live on earth and get along. Now, I'm not saying I have any answers as to exactly what the guidelines would be for the people who would be shipped off, nor do I think that anyone really could. I think the solution is to start raising each successive generation with love, caring and understanding. Make them feel warm and safe. Support them. Make them not want for basic necessities. Teach them greed is wrong and destructive. Give them access to all the information a thirsty mind could want. Show them that different people can actually live in harmony with one another. Start teaching the children to be the people that we keep SAYING we should be, but aren't actually trying to be. How could anyone look into the big, beautiful eyes of a child and fill their heads with lies and garbage? Or how can someone do anything to harm them? Children are the FUTURE man, and they can be raised right. We have to take the responsibility upon ourselves to make this happen, not just wish it to happen. Why can't people admit when they are wrong? Why do we cheat and lie? What the hell is wrong with us? What happened to Eden? We are so far removed from it, we have forgotten our peaceable ways of the past. The ancient cities of Mexico and South America had no walls!! No borders!! Somewhere along the way we have gotten destructive and hurtful. Selfish and immoral. INHUMANE. For the love of humanity, we HAVE to teach the children NOT to be like us. The only way we will survive as a people is to stop the violence against each other and just fucking accept each other for who we are!! Gay, straight, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Atheist, we all still want love. No one wants to be alone. There are billions of people in the world - how can we all feel so alone?

I Wish This Was Me

I Need Some Peace!!

Good god damn. The days are getting darker earlier, it's getting colder outside, I feel like shit from the flu shot, my computer at work is completely possessed (and IT won't give me a new one, for the love of...), I'm broke and cranky... I feel like I never really get back to the fun loving young chick I used to be. It's like as time goes on, I just get crankier and crankier. I can't wait until I get old so I can just sit on the porch and yell out things all day, anything I want. I'll of course be drinking my wine, rocking back and forth in the sun - either on a porch, or perhaps my YACHT - and people will be like, "That crazy lady? Oh, that's just Lani. She's old. She has the right to say whatever she wants." And rightly so!! Or, why even wait until I'm old? Why wait to say that I HATE George bush and I hope he dies and goes to hell. I hope the guys from Enron go to sleep with a sweaty cock in their mouths every night in a tiny, dirty cell. The Matrix is REAL. Women should be allowed to breast feed in public. I don't give a flying fuck about any Hollywood actress' or actor's love life, drug problem, eating disorder or plastic surgery. Just exactly HOW does one get a gerbil stuck in their ass? And so on and so forth. What I really need is a boat. A yacht. How dope is that? Think about it: you buy a yacht instead of a house then you can move WHENEVER you want!! Just pick up anchor, literally, and go. Sure you have to scrape barnacles off the damn thing, but what home doesn't need maintenance? And I'd be all tan and glistening, wearing sarongs all day and whispy white blouses at night. And I could have my very own cabana boy, but on a boat!! I would never again have to buy an airline ticket, and I can have all the fucking hairgel and toothpaste I want for my trip. No more suitcases, no more sidewalks to shovel in the winter, no more neighbors blasting music in the apartment across the hall. Just the sun, sea, wind and port. And my sweet, ruddy faced, maleable, strapping young cabana boy. (Can I have the cabana boy now?)

And In the Center Ring....

You know, I don't know what's making me sicker today - my flu shot or the freakin' media circus around anything political. Not for nothing, but I'm SICK of it. If I have to hear anymore mudslinging for the rest of my life between Democrats and Republicans I'm going to shoot myself!! Why not just disband both parties (and really have them all exiled) and start over. We need new blood. I feel like watching the news is just like watching a Jackass movie - same intellectual content. Except there are no midgets in office - why is that? Is it because it's like Dave Attell says, that no one believes a midget when he's trying to tell you something serious? All we do is say, "Awww!! Are you trying to tell me where the gold is hidden?" Anyway, if I had my way, all the current politicians running the country should be drawn and quartered, and we have video of it shown OVER and OVER to remind ourselves to not let the country end up in the state it's in right now. We suck. Yeah, I said it. Our politicians might as well wear rainbow Afro wigs with red noses, big gloves and big shoes. They should show up for a convention in a little car and then like 80 of them all come out of the same little car and scurry up to the convention hall. They should light their cigars at fundraisers and then the cigars blow up in their faces and they're all charred and bewildered, with their hair all fucked up and smokey. They should go on the campaign trails riding unicycles and instead of handing out little American flags, they hand out balloon animals. When they go to a charity dinner and ask for a drink, the waiter pulls out a seltzer bottle and sprays them in the face. And every time they look into the camera and speak their promises a giant fist comes out of the side and punches them off camera. Then the camera zooms in on them and they have frowny faces and a painted tear on their cheeks as they crawl around dazed on the floor.